In some form of Baptism a person is dipped (or dunked) in water symbolizing purification or regeneration and admission to the Christian Church.
One day a man gets drunk and somehow stumbles straight into a baptism being performed by the local church on the nearby river bank. The man knew nothing about baptism.
Thinking that the man came for baptism like other local people, the priest asks the drunkard “Are you ready to find Jesus”?
The drunkard agrees and the priest dunks (dips) him completely into the water. The drunkard was grasping for air when the priest pulls him up and asks “Brother, have you found Jesus”? The drunkard replies “No father, I haven’t”.
The priest dunks him again and pulls him out after few seconds and asks, “Now have you found Jesus”?
Heavily grasping for air the drunkard replies again, “No father I haven’t”!!!
The priest rolls his eyes and dunks the man once again for few seconds and pulls him up violently, asking again, “HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS YET”?
The drunkard, near suffocation, replies back, “DUDE, ARE YOU SURE THIS IS EXACTLY WHERE JESUS FELL IN“??? 😮
Mind Glowing !
A popular “Baba”, who used to give lectures on religious topics, one day asked his attendees saying, “Next week I am going to preach on the subject about the sin of lying. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to go through the nineteenth chapter of Gita, so that you can come a little prepared.”
Most of his attendees (or audience) where either businessmen or politicians or lawyers.
On the following week, the Baba rose to begin his preaching and announced, “So now then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the nineteenth chapter of Gita, please raise your hands.”
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up!
Then said the Baba loudly, “And You are the people I want to talk to particularly about this topic! There is no nineteenth chapter in the holy Gita“!!! 😮
A young drunkard staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests, who were just passing by.
He goes over to the first priest and says, “Dude, I’m God!” And the priest calmly says, “No son, you’re not”. So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, “Man, I AM God!” The second priest replies the same, “No son, you’re not”.
Finally, the drunkard had enough and insisted, “Ok, I’ll prove it, come with me then”.
He walks back into the bar with both the priests and the bartender looks up, sees the drunkard and yells, “Oh God!, you’re back AGAIN ???” 😮
“Hell is already overcrowded! Try for Heaven” — WRONG!!!
The correct caption should be :-
“The Hell is empty right now!
All the devils are currently in the Earth!” 😉
A little girl was attending a Christian wedding for the first time. Noticing the bride & the groom, she whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
To keep it simple, her mother explained, “Because white is the color of happiness, joy & peace! And today is the happiest day of her life!”
The child thought about this for a moment, then replied, “So, why is the groom wearing black???” 😯
When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her six-year-old daughter who would be walking alone while coming from the school to home. She became worried and deciding to bring her daughter from school that day, she left for the school.
While on the way, she noticed her daughter walking casually along the road and stopping to smile facing towards the sky, whenever lightning flashed. When the girl saw her mother coming towards her, she ran to her, explaining happily, “Mom, all the way home, God has been taking my picture!” 😮
A little boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens for the first time, in their neighbourhood. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and three girl kittens.”
“How did you know?” his mother asked surprisingly.
“Daddy picked them up one by one and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom!!!” 😯
One day a little boy while going to the local market, met a big fat man on his way. The man approached to the boy and asked, “Son, I am new to this locality. Can you tell me where the post office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure, just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and then turn to your right.”
The man thanked the boy and said, “I’m the new chief priest in your village temple, and I would like you to come to the temple whenever you have time. I’ll show you how to find God!”
The little boy replied with a chuckle, “Awww, come on! You don’t even know how to find a post office!!!” 😯
A million dollar question 😉
Why does a 100 rupee note looks so small and useless in a shopping mall, but so big and valuable in front of a blind beggar???
A marwari businessman needed few lakhs of rupees immediately, to close an important business contract. He went to the temple to do puja & pray for the money.
After performing the puja, he started praying, sitting next to another poorly dressed man, who was also murmuring & praying for just few hundreds of rupees which he needed to pay an urgent debt. At this, the marwari took out his wallet and pressed the hundred rupee notes into the other man’s hand!
Overjoyed with tears, the poor man got up and left the temple.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, “And now, Bhagwan, that I have your undivided attention…” 😉
A man dies and goes to Yamlok (hell). He is first met by Chitragupta who goes through the usual questionnaire.
“What sort of profession you were in?” asks Chitragupta.
“I was a Software Programmer” replies the man.
“Name? … Caste?”
He gives his name, caste and few other details. Chitragupta goes through his books for a moment and then pulls out few sheets.
“Oh, yes. We have been expecting you. You’ve reached your allotted lifespan!” says Chitragupta.
“How can that be?” says the programmer. “I’m too young to die. I’m only forty years!!!”
“No, that’s not possible. You’re mistaken!” Chitragupta replied.
“And what makes you think so, can you please re-check your records?” begs the programmer.
“Well, we have also been looking at your time sheets and the working hours you’ve logged to your onsite clients. By our understanding, you’re more than sixty!” 😮
Chittagupta = Chitragupta
A little boy’s prayer —
“Dear God, please take care of my father and my mother and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. And Oh! please take care of yourself too, God. If anything happens to you, we’re all gonna be in a big mess.” 😉
One day, a primary school teacher, wanted to test his kids regarding how much belief or knowledge do they have about God.
So he asked his class, “Where does Bhagwan lives?”
First, Hari raised his hand and answered, “He’s in heaven.”
Then Shyam, when asked, replied “He’s in the sky, up there.”
Then Gita was called on and she answered, “He’s in my heart.”
And then, Rahul, who was always late for school, stood up waving his hand furiously and yelled, “I know! I know! He is in our bathroom!!!”
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for few seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked him how is he so sure about this!
And Rahul answered innocently, “Well…every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Hey Bhagwaaan! Its almost 9 o’clock! Are you still in there???'” 😯
College students were attending a Philosophy class, where a discussion topic about the existence of God, was in progress.
The professor had the following logic: “Has anyone in this class seen God?” Nobody answered.
“Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, there was a pin drop silence.
“Has anyone in this class ever heard God speaking?”
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply concluded, “Then obviously there is NO God!!!”
The suddenly one of the students asked for permission to speak.
The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked in a cool tone, “Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain???” 😉
A million dollar question!!!
When Kangsh knew, that the 8th son of Vasudeb & Devaki (i.e., Krishna) is going to kill him, then why the hell did he kept both of them in the SAME cell of the prison??? 😯
There was a drunkard with very spoiled habits.
One evening, after heavy drinking, he got on a bus. He sat down next to a priest. The drunkard’s shirt was stained, his chicks had marks of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of whiskey sticking out of his pocket. His breath was stinking too. He opened his newspaper and started reading.
A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest with a husky voice, “Father, can you please tell me, what causes Arthritis?”
The priest, who was naturally a bit irritated by the drunkard’s presence, answered “Mister, it is caused by loose living, visiting & being with cheap, perverted women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man”!
Hearing that the drunkard replied “Oops! Just imagine that!!!” 😮
Then he returned to reading his paper again.
The priest, after sometime, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and said in an apologetic tone, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say such strong & harsh words…so how long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have arthritis, Father”, the drunkard replied with a smile, and added, “I just read in the paper that our Bishop does”! 😛
A Sunday school teacher asked her children while taking them to visit the church, “So girls, why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One little girl calmly replied, “Because people are sleeping!” 😛
There was a priest who while traveling in a boat in a stormy day, fell in the river. As he couldn’t swim, he somehow managed to float desperately in the huge waves and started praying.
Suddenly a boat came by, and it’s oarsman (majhi) shouted, “Do you need help?”
The priest calmly replied “No, God will save me!”
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman yelled, “Hey, do you need help?”
The priest replied again, “No, God will save me!”
Eventually the priest drowned and went to heaven.
The priest asked God, “Why didn’t you save me though I prayed so much???”
God replied, “You idiot, I sent you two boats!” 😮
A poor but very religious woman, upon waking up each morning would open her front door, stand on the porch and shout, “Praise the lord!”
This infuriated her atheist neighbour who would always make sure to reply back, “There is no Lord.”
One morning the atheist neighbour overheard his neighbor praying for food. Thinking it would be funny, he went and bought some groceries and left them silently in her door front.
The next morning when the lady saw the groceries, she screamed with delight, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food!”
Hearing this, the neighbour shouted back, “It wasn’t the Lord, it was me!”
The lady then replied, “Praise the Lord for not only giving me food, but making the atheist pay for it !!!” 😉
An Atheist was fishing in a big lake one day when his boat was suddenly attacked by a huge monster of the mythical age. The boat capsized and the man was tossed skywards due to the impact.
As he flew through the air towards the monster and was about to enter in its deadly open mouth, he screamed, “Oh God, help me!”
Immediately everything was frozen in place. The ferocious attack stopped and the atheist was left suspended in mid-air.
A booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break,” said the man. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in any Myths either!” 😉
A very Religious man lived right next door to an Atheist. The religious man offered puja and prayed every single day and night, visiting the temple every weekend, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.
However, the atheist had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man’s job was stressful and his salary were low, his wife was getting fatter every day, and his kids were obnoxious, and non-loving.
So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, “Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays and goes to any temple, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Please tell me, Why is this?”
A great voice bellowed out from above, “BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!” 😉
A rich Priest and a crazy taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the gates of Heaven waiting for them.
“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a gorgeous mansion, fully furnished.
“Wow! thank you”, said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a small cottage with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the priest. “Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.”
“Well, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept!
When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!!!”
Once a yogi who did not fulfill his vows was taken to a special hell. He was brought to a place where he stood in front of three rooms to choose one for his place to serve his time. He was taken to one room where he saw everyone standing on their heads on a cement floor. The yogi imagined how painful it would be to stand on his head on cement and then wanted to see the other room. In the next room he saw everyone standing on their heads on a wooden floor. This wasn’t as bad, yet it would still tough.
Then he looked into the third room and saw a group of people sitting at tables having coffee, but they were knee deep in stool (potty). He thought this was quite bad, but he supposed he could tolerate sitting around having coffee all day, even if he were knee deep in stool. So he chose this room. Then the devil that was showing him around said, “OK, just take a seat.”
So the fallen yogi walked into the room and took a seat at a table and ordered coffee. But a minute later another guy comes in the door. He blows a whistle and yells out ordering, “All right everybody! Coffee break is over, back on your heads again!!!”
A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land, Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $1,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $200.”
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “Why? Why would you spend $1,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $200.00? The man said, “A man called Jesus died here 2000 years ago. He was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. Sorry, I just can’t take that chance!!!”
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for GOD to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions.
One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, “GOD! How could you do this to me?”
Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! “How did you know I was here?” asked the weary man of his rescuers. “We saw your smoke signal,” they replied.
The Moral of This Story: It’s easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn’t lose heart, because GOD is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of GOD.
There was once a Hindu pundit who was wearing a dhoti. Seeking to ridicule the pundit, a British person pulled on the back of the dhoti and asked the pundit what it was. The pundit asked the suited – booted British, what was he wearing in the neck over his shirt.
The British replied, it was a Neck Tie, upon which the Pundit showing the back of his dhoti said, “This is my Back Tie”.
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: “I don’t believe that God exists.”
“Why do you say that?” asked the customer.
“Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn’t exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can’t imagine a loving a God who would allow all of these things.”
The customer thought for a moment, but didn’t respond because he didn’t want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.
The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: “You know what? Barbers do not exist.”
“How can you say that?” asked the surprised barber. “I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!”
“No!” the customer exclaimed. “Barbers don’t exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.”
“Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me.”
“Exactly!”- affirmed the customer. “That’s the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don’t go to Him and do not look for Him. That’s why there’s so much pain and suffering in the world.”
A scientist approaches God, and says to Him, “Look, God, we don’t need you anymore. Nowadays, we can do all sorts of things that used to be considered miraculous. We can transplant organs, giving new life to a dying man, we can cure almost any disease, and we can even clone animals. It won’t be long, and we’ll be able to clone humans, too. So, I’m sorry, but you are just outdated”.
God listens patiently to the scientist and says, “I can see that you believe you don’t need me, and I understand. However, I love you, and I don’t want to see you make a big mistake, so why don’t we make sure? I say we should have a man-making contest, just to be sure.”
The scientist replies, “I’ll take that challenge”.
So, God says, “Ok, let’s do it the way I did it in the old days, with Adam and Eve”. The scientists says, “No problem”, and reaches down to scoop up a handful of dirt.
“Whoa, hold on there a minute”, God says. “You get your OWN dirt”
S U P E R B !